Santa Claus... You're an Old Fucking Fat Bastard

The REAL Santa

For many, many years I have been meaning to confront that old fat Wanker in his dreadful red suit and give him a piece of my mind!

But then you get caught up in all the baubles, christmas carols, tinsel and all things jolly and it does not seem appropriate to pick fights.  Then come January, you thankfully move on with your life. But enough is enough and I AM going to give him a piece of my mind:  I cannot delay..

Father Christmas, you suck!

You eat endless cookies and drink all our milk (in our case its beers and chocolate) under our trees, no wonder you have to wear that baggy unflattering suit.  And red is SO not your colour. The way you exploit those darling reindeer is also inexcusable.

By the way, you really need to go on a communications course.   All you can ever say is: Ho Ho Ho! AND you promise trusting little children the earth and more. How dare you! Are you ever expected to try and force an abused, exhausted credit card through a tired machine? Thought not.

The gifts you have been bringing make me chomp at the bit.  STOP supplying me with ceramic cookie jars that only hold two biscuits at a time.  And may I enquire where on earth you drag up those foosty cheap chocolates that taste like fucking wax? I would not even feed them to my cat, Pickles.  You'll get them right back atchya this year, Santa!  Take THAT! 

Your taste gets worse and worse every year Father Christmas; maybe you need to employ a personal shopper or better still get some elves that have been to NY fashion week and know the latest trends.

I do NOT want another bottle of el cheapo perfume that smells like cat piss.  Now repeat after me and take notes … DIOR! GIVENCHY! CHANEL!  Surely that’s not so hard to remember?

And listen you old fucking fraud, next time you dump yet another plastic kitchen gadget or cheap glass dish under my tree, I will track you down and kick yer fat dimpled arse. Understood?

The same with wine that is so putrid; one sip and your mouth will be wrinkled forever and my lips will forever look like a fucking dog's bottom.  Shame on you!  Surely your budget should be looking much healthier by now Santa Fraud?  We all know you work for the government and therefore get huge perks and fancy car allowances.  So why not at least upgrade your mode of transport?  Surely your bodyguards can drive you around in the new Merc AMG - or your wife could help you out for ONE night?

The same with your tired red suit,  it is sooo last century. Can you not at least visit us in a nice new Armani suit? You would look tons better.

Us girls would very happily introduce you to good quality jewellery stores!  In our own time too. We do not want yet another ethnic straw or beaded necklace that makes us look like part of the cast of Mama Themba. And no nighties in size 0 please.  Normal women are NOT built like anorexic stick insects.  Especially if you got them at the local grocery store. 

That’s about all I have to say to you at this time you old fucking miser. But carry on with your crappy gift trend … and all you will find under the tree will be a dog-shit sandwich and green tea.

What do you expect from a guy who only "comes" once a year?  Poor Bastid!

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Santa Claus Came To Town

The girls had Father Christmas come to their pre-school yesterday and bring them gifts and spend the afternoon with him.  I felt sorry for Santa in his red and white furry suit in 30 degree sunshine while the children enjoyed jumping castles and water slip 'n slides.  Poor Santa must've been wishing he brough his red furry speedo and waterproof beard instead so that he could enjoy the water fun with the children.  Poor bugger.  That'll teach him to have a fasion disaster that isn't internationally accepted!





Megan said : It wasn't the real Father Christmas, Mummy.  It was one of his helpers.



Me  : How did you know that Megan?



Megan:  Because he looks just like Reece's Grampa.



Me smiling:  Oh and how else did you know he was just a helper and not the real Santa?



Megan:  His beard wasn't real and he didn't have his reindeer with him.



I chuckled.



When I asked her what Father Christmas said to her ...



Megan :  He said Hello Young Lady and I sat on his lap.  He said I was beautiful.  I said I know I'm beautiful!  (my daughter is not modest).



Everyone had fun and Megan got a Pink Princess MP3 player which she was not happy about because she wanted what the boys got - Bakugans (even though she has about 10 of them at home!)  I told her she should be thankful that Santa brought her a gift and that some children get nothing.  I told her not to be ungrateful otherwise she'll get a bag of poo for Christmas.  I guess that turned her frown into a smile.









Kaylin got a Wedding Barbie with clothes, high heel plastic shoes for herslef, a princess wand, a crown, earings and she was very happy.  She even wore the crown and earings for a while (not for long).







Even Riaan got Santa coming to his work.  A client brough him a bottle of Johnnie Walker 15 year Green Label which will be consumed at his work Christmas function today, which is going to be at our house. 



So preparations are underway for that party.  Jacuzzi is being cranked and heated, the bar is stocked, the spit braai is sizzling away and I need to go shopping for salads, snacks and final touches.







Princess Kaylin with her Crown







Take care...I'm watching you....






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